all in the head.

i'm thankful i got time to spend with you. i mean, i never knew how much i meant to you. i never meant to make you cry. but u did. though i was just 'trying my luck' to see if you were in last night, i guess God wanted me to have a nice chat with you before i left. i'm glad He gave me you. though we did have a rough patch, lets not make that a hindrance to our friendship. i'll bear the 'bat, pepper spray and table lamp beside the bed' and the 'bed not facing the door and mirror' and the 'to say Hi to my new room'. yah. thanks. and the ehhmmm *censored*. yah. u did scare me, but i'll remember. yah, No Drinking over in Sydney. No Matter how Innocent the Party looks.

thanks for the offer. babe, if i ever change for the worst, i give you the honour to slap the sh!t out of me. i'm scared too. i'll do the same to you if you ever did what he/she did online.

i was reading some blogs. there was one with 'no life'. filled with complains that he/she had NO life. everyday is a daily routine. so have u waken up from your deep slumber? time to smell the flowers.

then i went to another blog. hmmm interesting. suddenly i realised you were writng about me in your second last entry. well... guess what i'm afraid most? to go to somewhere foreign, backslide, change in character, and return 6 months later, go back to church only to return back 'home' and the vicious cycle repeats itself. not that i wana leave. what if? whose gona pull me back? you guys wont be there to help me. myself? can i even do it? i don't even think you'll read this. all you know is that i'll say i'm leaving and don't give a damn. think whatever you want. i'm tired. i'm sorry i never gave a sh!t about your life. at least you have others. God help me, please.

last night i did something that i suppose will have jo giving me one -on - one counselling. i tried something new. no, not smoke or take drugs. though it was a short while, i finally understood why people do such things to themselves. it didnt feel great. it didnt feel shiok. it didnt take the emotional pain away. it only left a temporary scar. God forgive me, please.