tanya this tanya tat...hwee tze this hwee tze tat...jamie yhis jamie that...stanley this stanley tat...whu else? i cant think of anymore names bt im not against these ppl... they are my frens... bt there are the ones who make me feel low whenever im being compared to them... tan n hwee tze are now in down under doing their studies... heard tat they are doing very well.... i suz... wit a capital S... yeah... stanley n i knew each other since young... bt his results are damn gd... y im i nt the same? y are we so diff? i rem the time when mum had to call him n ask him to teach me... yeah to him i might b an idiot...bt to me...i am an asshole... a n ass hu can study... yes...my psle results sucked...ppl said psle is the easiest to score...easily can gt to a gd sch... i tell ppl i cant rem my results..bt in fact i rem them. thou i cant rem the exact grades,i still rem the overall marks... 181...yes i won hwee tze by a mark... i knew she was sad bt look at her now? in the uni... top scorer!...n me? "c"s filled up my report card last sem... i was sad... it was my fucking fault... did nt concentrate... was playing...did nt see the signs from my frens... when pearlin consoled me when i cried for the bad incident tat happened...she said this: grace dun forgt..u go to sch to gt a dip... u r competing with these ppl.... they are nt ur frens in the end cuz they only wan the cert... at that time i tot it was true... till now i think there are some truths to it....bt i dun fully agree... when ever i quarrel wit mum she always say that it is the poly people that make me "change"...no i nv changed... i am still that asshole that ppl used to make fun...i wasnt bullied that bad... it was only when i was still in pri sch... i dun rem wad happened...bt i knew i was often picked upon... bt now its ok.... recently i think i am in a bad sitaution... kev makes me sick... he gives me the creeps...i duno bt i think our paths dun cross... i realli dun have any1 to tok to abt this in poly...how can i? im 18!! bt im the type of asshole hu dun speak up when bullied or picked upon... when i think of the gd terms betw himn huizheng and the rest of the ppl... i go sick... hu can i go to n pour out my woes? he did strangled me... n it was des hu stopped him... i know deep down ppl dun wanna tok abt it... including me... bt i hate it... i HATE it... i duno wad goes thro these ppl minds... i duno wad they think of me... i dun wanna noe.. i think god muz be playing with me... y cant i juz be as hapi as huizheng? everybody noes n loves her... hey im not jealous... bt i feel inferior... very...in fact not only to her.. bt almost every girl on this planet... i have IC... no1 will evr like me...im juz another passing name... a name tat juz floats past ppls minds... sick... y cant i juz grow up? y?? i procrestinate. i am complacent... yes i am...i think i am the worst person on earth... i say the wrong things n i do the wrong things... thats y god nv let me have the chance to love or be loved...yesh i noe i still have family... bt im toking abt family...im toking abt bgr... yesh i have made a vow to nv like or fall in love... thats y i am a nu chiang ren... bt am i? no..yesh this bgr thing is behind me... i made up my mind since i duno when... bt y cant i b independent as the ppl listed above? yesh after toking fucking crap for so long, its still not the ppl, bt me... im am the prob... all i wanna do is to dance..i wanna feel the beat... n dance... yeah i failed badly in ballet....yeh im a complete failure.... i suz... but i like doing moves from stars such as j. jackson or j.lo... bt look at me... im fat n ugly....who wld give a fucking damn abt me... ppl dun believe tat i do ballet... i rem how sam looked at me...fucker....not him... bt at everything...